The Physicists Guide to the Third Year

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral Arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. 


Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think that reality TV shows are a really good idea.


On a small and insignificant island located on this blue-green world is a population centre which, despite many attempts to improve it, resembles the results of drinking too much. The name of that population centre, according to the local ape-like creatures, is Blackpool. This is not their story.


This is the story of the ape-like creatures that inhabit the population centre named 'Manchester', and especially that of the primitive creatures who call themselves Physicists. Unbeknown to them is that the whole of what they call Physics is a drastic simplification of the far superior entity of Bistromathematics. This may in part explain how confused these primitive ape creatures got when things didn't work.


It was a house. It wasn't going to win any awards for the architecture, and it was a dreary autumn morning.

Captain Quantum awoke.

He looked out his window, and saw that his bike had a flat tyre.

He went to get toast for Breakfast, and courteously nodded towards Ms. Descartes who was carefully boiling a kettle. Flat. As Captain Quantum tucked in to his breakfast quickly, he recapped his schedule... lectures, work, wind orchestra rehearsal, flat tyre, planning scouts. He went and got dressed, and then went to get his bike outside.

He then looked down as he cycled off.

The Monk left the house that morning to the anguished wails of a cat who had just seen its kitten run over. He then went up to Captain Quantum who was bent over his poor mutilated tyre with a slight tear in his eye.

'Who would do such a TERRIBLE act?' murmered Captain Quantum
'It was probably you after you drank that home brew and cycled home last night' retorted The Monk
'Hmm.... true dat' stated Captain Quantum,
'Oh well we better get to lectures, we can't be late, for today we have the Prostetnic Lecturer for Quantum mechanics' today hurried the Monk.
 'But my bike...' whimpered Captain Quantum.
'Look, its too late for your bike, and isn't a new inner tube about £8 anyway, we gotta go... now'.
To which Captain Quantum stood up and left with the Monk. Little did Captain Quantum realise, but this was partly due to the Monks powers he had picked up from the standing monks of Fhu When, who with the powers of their minds could will the earth itself into fantastic sculptures. Little did The Monk realise that most of the powers only worked because of the clever set up of magnets, but its amazing what will happen in the universe if someone just believes it...

Quantum mechanics, according to the Comprehensive Wikipedia, "is a branch of physics providing a mathematical description of much of the dual particle-like and wave-like behaviour and interactions of energy and matter''. However, according to the less rigorous, but far more popular 'The Physicists Guide to the Third Year' it is defined in two ways.

• Sadist quantum mechanics - People studying these courses are likely to feel a mixture of -

1. Awe... at the slow realization of the complexity but brilliance 
2. Wonder... at the brilliance of modern theory
3. The slow feeling of their brain dribbling out of their ear... 

• Suicidal sadist quantum mechanics- people taking these courses instead go through several stages of denial-

1. Fear... after the lectures are incomprehensible
2. Anger... at the founders of quantum mechanics/lecturer for making the course so hard
3. Bargaining... with the lecturer to help you understand
4. Depression... that you are going to fail
5. Acceptance... that you are going to fail

It also says that you should see the chapter on... 'drunkenness, parties, relaxation, insanity and most of the rest of the book' for advice on how to deal with quantum mechanics in general

It was a close run thing whether Captain Quantum and the Monk would make it to lectures on time... however, they made it on time. When they arrived they were to surprised to find two familiar faces sat at the desks already. 

'Hey Catwoman, hey Dr. Gauge, hey Mr Tetley.' said The Monk as they slid into their seats.

'Hey there Monk' casually responded Mr Tetley. 'I hate to break up the quantum mechanics party here, but I think I might have an idea as how to make things much easier for us'.

'Hi, Monk and Captain quantum, Yes we do' added Catwoman. 'All we have to do is get the answers from the exam from the vault in the office of the head of school. We got the idea from Dr. Gauge here'

'Brain the size of a planet and they ask me how they can pass the test. Pffh, what will they ask me to do next? Did you know there is a pain in my nerves down my left side' burbled Dr Gauge. But the others wern't listening.

They were staring at IT. Mighty and huge, sitting up there on the board

'What is that?' asked Mr Tetley.

'I've never seen anything so wonderful' said Captain Quantum

'That's incredible' exclaimed The Monk

It was the equation for time dependant perturbation theory. They stared. In awe. And they could feel the fury building inside of them... 

'So how are we going to pull it off?' asked The Monk

The Physicists guide to the third year also has several other sections, even featuring things that aren't quantum mechanics based. Of course some options are only based on the ideas. These do not have the same effects as the aforesaid courses. 

Electrodynamics is neither, it being a shiny classical theory. The guide says that 'although in principle the study of electrodynamics is one of the more useful and important areas of physics, this is not generally the case. This is in part due to the subject being notoriously influenced by the infamous lecturer, who has a knack for product placement.'

Little is known about what deal he currently owns with SLAC, but it is suspected that the amounts received go into 6 figures. To the everyday third year physicist this has one clear advantage. So long is spent on the advertisement of SLAC clothing ect. that there are only 3 basic questions on the exam, making the subject easy enough to study.

However, it also debates this may not equate to the pain experienced in some of the lectures...

As Catwoman had disappeared off it was down to the others to plan their act, whilst pretending to listening to the shameless endorsement of SLAC products .

'Now what we need is some sort of way to get into the office' said Mr. Tetley

'Umm we could just knock?' said Captain Quantum

'Yeah great, then he'd know we took them, that's no good.' added The Monk

'Its quite easy really', added Dr. Gauge. 'All you need to do is reverse the polarity of the neutron flow and ensure only quantum information is passed through the door. That way he'll never know. Does anyone have any salve for my left side?'

'Hmm that's quite a nice idea there.' responded Mr Tetley

They lapsed into silence as again the lecturer pointed out the OBVIOUS flaws in circular colliders. Its a shame that none of the particle physicists never really asked the particles what they wanted. They studied them but little did they realise that particles havea mind of their own. Which means the sneaky little bastards can go through 2 holes at once when you're not looking. Sneaky bastards they are known by as to the rest of the universe...

'Ok so we have an idea' said The Monk 'Now all we need is a graphene laser to create the effects we need'

'Hmm I think I saw one of those in the other building' said Mr Tetley 'We can get it after the next lecture, and then we can perform the dirty deed'

'Wait a minute, here chaps' questioned Quantum, 'don't you think this is all rather wrong? Shouldn't we just have a cup of tea instead?'

To which the instant response from the others was a look so intense that it would make Eccentrica Gollumbitz, triple breasted whore of eroticon six, slide into a hole.

The Guide has the following to say on Graphene;

"Graphene is THIN. I mean SERIOUSLY now. Imagine the thinnest thing ever, then immagine something thinner than that... I mean you thought a piece of paper was amazing, but its absolute peanuts compared with Graphene."

It then goes on to list several of these properties. It also says something about the study of Bose and Fermi gasses.

"Bose and Fermi gasses are nice. They are the result if you take only 2 ideas from quantum mechanics, and then add them to what we already know and love. And the result fixes almost all of our problems as if by magic. This is a nice area of study."

Critics have always said that the Guide favours certain areas of physics. Editors of the guide regard the critics who say this to be idiots and fools. They don't live in a gold fortress on their own personal moon.

As the group rejoined with Catwoman, they headed towards the Office of the head of school. After a quick explanation of the master plan to her they approached the door, and lined up their amazing graphene laser.

'Wow this door is made of mahogany' exclaimed Captain Quantum, 'its a shame we'll be knocking it down'

'Oh shut up.' responded The Monk. 'We're going to need to clear some space in this corridor in order to fire'. They cleared up a bit more room, and got the gun ready for firing....

'What did you do that for?' yelled Mr Tetley 'Now someone will come! We have to transfer the information quickly'. They got inside, again using the laser against the safe in order to transfer the information onto a small netbook that they happened to have with them. The alarm bells were ringing in the distance, and the could hear the footfalls of patrols of the XTREME campus security converging on the position.

'Dr Gauge, you go and distract them whilst we leg it!' said Mr. Tetley as everyone else sped down the corridor.

'Typical,' thought Dr. Gauge 'Brain the size of a planet and they ask me to sacrifice myself to security so that they can make their escape. Better get to it though'

The XTREME security stopped in front of Dr. Gauge. 'What are you doing there Mr. Explain yourself!'

'They've left me here to stop you, with nothing but my measly body. And I even have a pain in the nerves down my left side! I don't suppose you have any cream?' Droned Dr. Gauge at the security

'My God. That makes me ANGRY. Worthless people! I think just for that I might blast out this wall... and that wall... and this floor...'

There was an unappealing splat as the security guy hit the floor

'How depressing' thought Dr. Gauge.

It was at this point that far away, everyone else opened the netbook to find the answers. They blinked. They blinked again. The answer was... 42, nothing more, nothing less. No working. It must be obvious.

The guide also has statements on two other major topics of large current interest

"Any module proceeded by the prefix intro should be treated with caution. Because they are unable to teach anything actually meaningful, they instead teach you a million and one random facts. These are most easily generated from a random fact machine. What you need to do create your own random fact generator is find yourself any know it all. This is very easy for physicists. By supplying them with a good power source (3 course meal) and attaching a microphone it is possible to extract any number of unverifiable facts (c.f. WIKIPEDIA). However, these modules often make up for their sometimes almost completely random content with interesting lecturers

A famous story is told of one lecturer, who upon deciding that his students were bored, proceeded to enlightened as to the digestive movements of penguins. One student then proceeded to prove a general theory of projectile excretion, that was never truly appreciated by his peers"

Then the exams came, prepared with their lowly answer of 42

EPILOGUE

After exams the group re united,

The devastation was immense,

who knew how they had done,

but they accepted it,

and it was time to PARTAY. 

The Fantastic Adventures of Captain Quantum?!?

After 3 weeks of term time started, Captain Quantum was fairly glad that he had a chance to sit down and write something for a change. It had been an excellent start to the term for all around, with lots happening...

Mmm relaxing on the sofa. There's nothing like it. Shame my sofas aren't so comfy

Freshers Welcome Week

Captain Quantum started this one off not as well as he hoped, with a foul dose of pre-Freshers Welcome flu, and a few long train rides. But that was not to deter from freshers week, with a pudding party and a fresh cask of ginger beer to be enjoyed by all. As The Monk, Miss Descartes and Mr Row prepared for the party they wondered what diabetic-ally fuelled feast awaited them. As the guests poured in the puddings piled up, there were cakes, tarts, torts, puddings, cookies and many more fantastic concoctions. There was certainly no shortage of food there. As the people piled in the conversation entwined and got more tipsy on some parts, but yet somehow far more serious in others. Soon most were stuffed beyond limit, but deeply satisfied by the bounty that they had consumed.

You were all thinking it. But I couldn't say it in type

The time flew by, and soon enough it was time for the party to quieten out of respect. So as slowly different people drifted off into different directions> But first and foremost, Essex Boy, Mr Row, Mounty, Catwoman and the Tensorator went to Baa Bar. There more alcohol was consumed, by pitcher and pint glass. But after a little bit of a fail on Mr Row's part, and a fun little takeaway, we headed back home.

Alas, for Captain Quantum there was no time to rest his groggy head. He headed back to university to continue his summer project in the condensed matter group. Sometimes life is just tricky

Physoc Pub Crawl

That Thursday was fun times for all in the Physics department, with the annual Physoc freshers pub crawl. Despite Captain Quantum being forced to arrive late due to an important scouting meeting, he made a brave venture through a rainy moss side in order to get there at all. So he met up with a variety of friends, including Free Willy and Mr Twinnings, as well as some older friends like pasta man. But this pub crawl is all about the new members, and soon enough I joined people catting away with their white shirts.

I'm slightly disappointed that Manchester isn't the first result for Physsoc on google. 

The Tensorator and Essex Boy were full swing, chatting and drinking away when Captain Quantum arrived. It was quite a sight to behold. A full 15 electrons present in the Tensorator, it was a good fun times on the Garrett. It wasn't long before it was time to move on to a different place, Baa Bar. As we entered people grabbed a free shot or two and got a little more tipsy. And the night wasn't over yet! Before long people were all over the place. And 

FECK...

A.R.S.E....

DRINK...

Lyme park - Impressive buildings (not these though)

In some ways sums up the Annual Reunion Social Extraveganza. There was Drink. There was Fire. There was some gossip. But most importantly of all... there was an adventure playground at Lyme Park. Never had there been such joy from so many of the SSAGO bunch. Despite it being a cold weekend, the fire burned bright both nights, as people sang deep into the early hours of the morning. It was a nice chance to catch up in the freezing cold of the peak district. But it really was very... very... cold.

Nobel Prize

Mmm Shiny Gold. It would be more valuable made of Graphene (slight irony)

If you don't know about this already... really? Just look at any physicists facebook from the past couple of days...


Bowling

Not just the president of the united states.

Another SSAGO event, and another chance to meet some of our fantastic new members. After meeting at the alley, an exchanging of shoes, and some liquil libation, we went full on into the bowling. Several impressive frames, several unimpressive frames and some spectacular fails later we were enjoying ourselves thoroughly. It was later after a rather few more drinks that we saw some of the more spectacular showboating that a bowling alley had ever seen. Some of those spectacular shots even managed to hit something...

An Ode to my Computer

Composed in honor of my computer, when we were re-united after a mighty 4 weeks apart...

Some say, that the topmost of friends are

A pet; a dog, a cat, a fish or bird.

But all of those are totally wrong

Its not for those that we must care

But for our metal and silicon pals

Ah isn't she a beauty

You survived your hardy construction

And overcame the challenge of vista

Defeat by a fall, oh ho, not at all

Whilst going through it all you sit, strong and small 

On my floor with teh internets beneath

Oh there have been one time or another

When a slutty little netbook came to

Take me away to the place of my dreams

But promises were false and I

Left you while I went far away

Oh what a netbook...

But now I see, how stupid could I be?

It is not the sleek I want the most

She may have the looks, but not the power

To run all my things, so fast and so quick

Its the big metal thing I want to see

So now as your blue LED's blink

I hear the melody in your Hard disk

And the sweet smell of electronics

And all I can say to end this song

Is that you will be mine (until you get old) 

I'm sure your eyes are all filling up with tears of beauty right now, so please, take a minute to enjoy the shear beauty.

A forecast for the future

So we lie at the beginning of yet another academic year, with both fun, frivolity and the prospect of hard work lying in our sights. This coming year is a year of big decisions for many, deciding what they are going to do when they finish their studies and move on into the big wide world. And for others they can belay that decision for another year. But no matter the time untill you have to decide, its something that is important to consider. And the subsequent thought is always going to be how are you going to get there... What have you done that makes you look good? And what could you do?

Climbing a mountain could be something you have done.

But when considering the facts, its important to consider what matters to you, and what changed you. It is unfair on yourself and others to judge who you are and what you have done on other peoples scales. For example, some people may have made huge statements with their lives already, they may have travelled the world, may have solved problems that seemed unsermountable, and may have ovecome the trials and prejudices of a society. These are achievments in their own right, but you might not have had the opportunity to travel, or might have not had the correct opportunity to show your true potential. But instead there might have been something small that you have done that changed your life. It might have been volunteering for a few weeks at a hospital or home which completely changed your perspective on the world, or it might be a plain simple job that developed your ability to work.

The evolution of who you are...

 

For example, I myself may not have spent a huge amount of time socialising in the past, but minor victories in joining different societies and meeting in people in my own small way are a far greater victory for me personally than someone who might go out into the wider world and meet many people from different corners of the globe. You have to put your victoires in the context of yourself. By drawing on these minor leaps for yourself you can then plan and act more confidently in the future. One cannot run before they walk. And who is to limit what any one of us can achieve in the future. For all I can say, I could be the one meeting and greeting many people in the future. Its a great tradgedy to put yourself down on the context of someone else being apparently 'better' than you. But its an equal shame to squander the opportunities that are presented to you by the future.

If you have thought about what I have said then you might be remembering several of your own personal victoires. But we cannot dwell on the past, and as I said initially now is a time in our lives where we must be thinking about the road ahead. There are no rules on deciding what you want in the future. But, its good to start with one idea. Just one idea that you are prepared to take seriously and fight for every opportunity to go forward with. It dosen't matter where that idea falls. Its going to make a difference in wherever your life goes, another personal victory. But if you don't fight for something, no matter what it is, then other opportunities will pass you by. Your past will have no sparkle for you, no magic, no sense that you have achieved something, and this will make you lathargic for change.

Is this man taking all his available opportunities?

Most of us will have examples where we haven't done all that we could to take opportunities, I intended all last year to join a squash club, but yet I never got round to going. I intended to learn bass cleff to join a musical group. But no matter what we failed to do, its important that we do not feel guilty for not taking these options, we merely need to focus on what opportunities we could take, and which ones would come round again, and what we can learn from why we didn't take these opportunities. For example, I did become a scout leader, which limited my options, with respect to joining a music group. But next year I intend to try again. Its only by taking these opportunities I can live my life to the full.

 More opportunities taken leads to more presented.

Over the next year some doors will be closed, it is almost inevitable. But you should still greab your idea, and fight for it, because even if Plan A fails, there will always be a Plan B that will benifit from your efforts in doing Plan A. And ultimately, it dosen't matter whether you end up as a checkout worker or the the president of the world, as long as you felt that you took the opportunities presented to you, and won your own little victoires.

A Mighty Castle, and another slightly less mighty.

Their trip now nearing its end, Captain Quantum and the Falcon were heading on a turn southwards, down to Edinburgh and beyond back into England. So 630 they awoke, and a quick pack up meant that they were on their way and arrived in the scenic town. After parking a quick stroll through the park and up the hill got them at the gates of the castle. And they didn’t even need to besiege the castle for entry. They just had to pay the fee.

Mmm Castle

They then went on a tour, and were awed by the royal jewels, and the mighty stone of scone (and the thought of returning the mo England not a wise one), going to the amusing enactment in the great hall and then to the darkest prison. Fortunately, the weather was amazing, giving Captain Quantum and Falcon a chance to survey the ground they had already covered. When the cannon struck though, it was time for them to depart for more southern places.

Mmm Fountain...

After lunch they walked back to the car to play the exorbitant rates for the car park (£9.90!?!?) and saw Gavin from Gavin and Stacey in the street. The drive was a long one, but with some food available from Asda, they continued south, and soon we were in the home country, with accents getting milder as we drove. But sad times ahoy, it rained and rained, and rained some more when we arrived at the campsite.

The Dog cemetery... aww

In a break in the rain they pitched their tent. After a little read they decided to head to the Queens Head pub in the good beer guide. It was a traditional local pub, with exceptionally cheap beer. After a quick drink they headed back to the campsite, and went into a peacefull slumber.

Mmm... Cathedral

The next day it firstly the pair headed to Durham, after a leftover breakfast. Here there was a cathedral and a castle. The cathedral was most spectacular, with large stained glass windows and elaborate carvings. The Castle was not a traditional affair, but more a student accommodation place. They then went for a stroll round the town, and had some lunch. But soon they were on their way again, off to their cousins.

A Brewery, a Distillery, and a Museum…

After an evening in the north inn, a local pub, Captain Quantum and the Falcon had a somewhat disturbed nights sleep (owing to the crowded campsite), got up to eat another bacon sandwhich and then head on their way. They would be travelling up through the Cairngorm hills, to Perth. They set off on their way, and rose steadily into the hills as they headed along the road.

The trains weren't our main interest here...

The first port of call would be Aviemore. Here they were set to visit the Cairngorm brewery, where several award winning beers were brewed. They were welcomed in, and looked round the shop. They then went on a personal tour of the brewery (no-one else was there so early) and learned about the brewing process. It shared several similarities with the whiskey making process, but for a few key differences, such as the 2 additions of hops. We then went back to try the fares, and may have even taken a few with them.

After a little look around the town, our heroes then decided the next port of call would be the Dalwhinnie Distillery. They marched along the road, amidst the barren highlands, and soon enough arrived at the large complex, the highest distillery in Scotland, at ~350m above sea level. Here we had a look around the distillery, and sampled the taste of this malt, which is one of the 6 characteristic malts of Scotland. A fine flavour from a distillery so high. And an accent to match.

Mmm Whiskey...

After this trip they proceeded to head downwards off the hill, and despite a minor hick up in the choice of destination, they reached the centre of Perth quickly. Here they parked and decided to head to the museum of the black watch, the traditional Scottish army regiment that was merged with the Royal Regiment of Scotland earlier in the decade. It was an interesting exhibit, full of the usual military stuff, like swords and paintings. But differently for this one… also kilts.

Mmm tasty beans...

After the museum we headed into town, to a Costa Coffee, without any coffee (we had to have tea instead) Then headed onto the campsite, where Captain Quantum failed to see the wifi sign early enough and get an access code. So posts delayed

A loch too many?

Captain Quantum and the Falcon awoke to the bane fo campers- rain. Nonetheless, their tent was holding strongly, and as they slowly clambered out of their sleeping chamber they were gifted a brief remit in the rain. Elated, they cooked and consumed a hearty bacon sandwhich with ketchup aquired from a weatherspoons earlier in the week. And then it was time to leave this loch and head to annother.

Mmm... Hills

Captain Quantum had intended the first visit of the day to be the Glengoyne distillery, however, after an emergency re-scheduling, they headed north along loch lomond. The road was wiggly, and we saw a grim reminder of the dangers of driving with a traffic collision. But they still headed north, towards Fort William, and as the roads got higher, the number of cars decreased and the scenery became all the more spectacular!

Lots of driving...

After a long but epic drive through the glens alongside mountains, they arrived in fort william, where they were heading to the Ben Nevis inn for lunch. A little off the beaten track this converted barn had 2 fantastic local ales, and a variety of food on offer, so we chose the venison pie (without the pie bit- more of a casserole). Sadly, de to rain we couldn't see ben nevis, but it was a nice place, and they left satisfied before their journey up the great glen.

A useful System

Travelling alongside the lochs was more fun for the pair, apart from the odd lorry slowing the journey as they climbed hills. After a drive along loch ness they decided to stop in a village, where they had Mackies delicious ice cream, and Falcon bought himself a hat, of tradditional scottish origin. Not far to the campsite, they ttravelled there. And the story of that evening is yet to be told....

Its a loch?

(piccies to be uploaded when I get my netbook connected to 'tinternet)