The Fantastic Adventures of Captain Quantum?!?

After 3 weeks of term time started, Captain Quantum was fairly glad that he had a chance to sit down and write something for a change. It had been an excellent start to the term for all around, with lots happening...

Mmm relaxing on the sofa. There's nothing like it. Shame my sofas aren't so comfy

Freshers Welcome Week

Captain Quantum started this one off not as well as he hoped, with a foul dose of pre-Freshers Welcome flu, and a few long train rides. But that was not to deter from freshers week, with a pudding party and a fresh cask of ginger beer to be enjoyed by all. As The Monk, Miss Descartes and Mr Row prepared for the party they wondered what diabetic-ally fuelled feast awaited them. As the guests poured in the puddings piled up, there were cakes, tarts, torts, puddings, cookies and many more fantastic concoctions. There was certainly no shortage of food there. As the people piled in the conversation entwined and got more tipsy on some parts, but yet somehow far more serious in others. Soon most were stuffed beyond limit, but deeply satisfied by the bounty that they had consumed.

You were all thinking it. But I couldn't say it in type

The time flew by, and soon enough it was time for the party to quieten out of respect. So as slowly different people drifted off into different directions> But first and foremost, Essex Boy, Mr Row, Mounty, Catwoman and the Tensorator went to Baa Bar. There more alcohol was consumed, by pitcher and pint glass. But after a little bit of a fail on Mr Row's part, and a fun little takeaway, we headed back home.

Alas, for Captain Quantum there was no time to rest his groggy head. He headed back to university to continue his summer project in the condensed matter group. Sometimes life is just tricky

Physoc Pub Crawl

That Thursday was fun times for all in the Physics department, with the annual Physoc freshers pub crawl. Despite Captain Quantum being forced to arrive late due to an important scouting meeting, he made a brave venture through a rainy moss side in order to get there at all. So he met up with a variety of friends, including Free Willy and Mr Twinnings, as well as some older friends like pasta man. But this pub crawl is all about the new members, and soon enough I joined people catting away with their white shirts.

I'm slightly disappointed that Manchester isn't the first result for Physsoc on google. 

The Tensorator and Essex Boy were full swing, chatting and drinking away when Captain Quantum arrived. It was quite a sight to behold. A full 15 electrons present in the Tensorator, it was a good fun times on the Garrett. It wasn't long before it was time to move on to a different place, Baa Bar. As we entered people grabbed a free shot or two and got a little more tipsy. And the night wasn't over yet! Before long people were all over the place. And 

FECK...

A.R.S.E....

DRINK...

Lyme park - Impressive buildings (not these though)

In some ways sums up the Annual Reunion Social Extraveganza. There was Drink. There was Fire. There was some gossip. But most importantly of all... there was an adventure playground at Lyme Park. Never had there been such joy from so many of the SSAGO bunch. Despite it being a cold weekend, the fire burned bright both nights, as people sang deep into the early hours of the morning. It was a nice chance to catch up in the freezing cold of the peak district. But it really was very... very... cold.

Nobel Prize

Mmm Shiny Gold. It would be more valuable made of Graphene (slight irony)

If you don't know about this already... really? Just look at any physicists facebook from the past couple of days...


Bowling

Not just the president of the united states.

Another SSAGO event, and another chance to meet some of our fantastic new members. After meeting at the alley, an exchanging of shoes, and some liquil libation, we went full on into the bowling. Several impressive frames, several unimpressive frames and some spectacular fails later we were enjoying ourselves thoroughly. It was later after a rather few more drinks that we saw some of the more spectacular showboating that a bowling alley had ever seen. Some of those spectacular shots even managed to hit something...

An Ode to my Computer

Composed in honor of my computer, when we were re-united after a mighty 4 weeks apart...

Some say, that the topmost of friends are

A pet; a dog, a cat, a fish or bird.

But all of those are totally wrong

Its not for those that we must care

But for our metal and silicon pals

Ah isn't she a beauty

You survived your hardy construction

And overcame the challenge of vista

Defeat by a fall, oh ho, not at all

Whilst going through it all you sit, strong and small 

On my floor with teh internets beneath

Oh there have been one time or another

When a slutty little netbook came to

Take me away to the place of my dreams

But promises were false and I

Left you while I went far away

Oh what a netbook...

But now I see, how stupid could I be?

It is not the sleek I want the most

She may have the looks, but not the power

To run all my things, so fast and so quick

Its the big metal thing I want to see

So now as your blue LED's blink

I hear the melody in your Hard disk

And the sweet smell of electronics

And all I can say to end this song

Is that you will be mine (until you get old) 

I'm sure your eyes are all filling up with tears of beauty right now, so please, take a minute to enjoy the shear beauty.

A forecast for the future

So we lie at the beginning of yet another academic year, with both fun, frivolity and the prospect of hard work lying in our sights. This coming year is a year of big decisions for many, deciding what they are going to do when they finish their studies and move on into the big wide world. And for others they can belay that decision for another year. But no matter the time untill you have to decide, its something that is important to consider. And the subsequent thought is always going to be how are you going to get there... What have you done that makes you look good? And what could you do?

Climbing a mountain could be something you have done.

But when considering the facts, its important to consider what matters to you, and what changed you. It is unfair on yourself and others to judge who you are and what you have done on other peoples scales. For example, some people may have made huge statements with their lives already, they may have travelled the world, may have solved problems that seemed unsermountable, and may have ovecome the trials and prejudices of a society. These are achievments in their own right, but you might not have had the opportunity to travel, or might have not had the correct opportunity to show your true potential. But instead there might have been something small that you have done that changed your life. It might have been volunteering for a few weeks at a hospital or home which completely changed your perspective on the world, or it might be a plain simple job that developed your ability to work.

The evolution of who you are...

 

For example, I myself may not have spent a huge amount of time socialising in the past, but minor victories in joining different societies and meeting in people in my own small way are a far greater victory for me personally than someone who might go out into the wider world and meet many people from different corners of the globe. You have to put your victoires in the context of yourself. By drawing on these minor leaps for yourself you can then plan and act more confidently in the future. One cannot run before they walk. And who is to limit what any one of us can achieve in the future. For all I can say, I could be the one meeting and greeting many people in the future. Its a great tradgedy to put yourself down on the context of someone else being apparently 'better' than you. But its an equal shame to squander the opportunities that are presented to you by the future.

If you have thought about what I have said then you might be remembering several of your own personal victoires. But we cannot dwell on the past, and as I said initially now is a time in our lives where we must be thinking about the road ahead. There are no rules on deciding what you want in the future. But, its good to start with one idea. Just one idea that you are prepared to take seriously and fight for every opportunity to go forward with. It dosen't matter where that idea falls. Its going to make a difference in wherever your life goes, another personal victory. But if you don't fight for something, no matter what it is, then other opportunities will pass you by. Your past will have no sparkle for you, no magic, no sense that you have achieved something, and this will make you lathargic for change.

Is this man taking all his available opportunities?

Most of us will have examples where we haven't done all that we could to take opportunities, I intended all last year to join a squash club, but yet I never got round to going. I intended to learn bass cleff to join a musical group. But no matter what we failed to do, its important that we do not feel guilty for not taking these options, we merely need to focus on what opportunities we could take, and which ones would come round again, and what we can learn from why we didn't take these opportunities. For example, I did become a scout leader, which limited my options, with respect to joining a music group. But next year I intend to try again. Its only by taking these opportunities I can live my life to the full.

 More opportunities taken leads to more presented.

Over the next year some doors will be closed, it is almost inevitable. But you should still greab your idea, and fight for it, because even if Plan A fails, there will always be a Plan B that will benifit from your efforts in doing Plan A. And ultimately, it dosen't matter whether you end up as a checkout worker or the the president of the world, as long as you felt that you took the opportunities presented to you, and won your own little victoires.

A Mighty Castle, and another slightly less mighty.

Their trip now nearing its end, Captain Quantum and the Falcon were heading on a turn southwards, down to Edinburgh and beyond back into England. So 630 they awoke, and a quick pack up meant that they were on their way and arrived in the scenic town. After parking a quick stroll through the park and up the hill got them at the gates of the castle. And they didn’t even need to besiege the castle for entry. They just had to pay the fee.

Mmm Castle

They then went on a tour, and were awed by the royal jewels, and the mighty stone of scone (and the thought of returning the mo England not a wise one), going to the amusing enactment in the great hall and then to the darkest prison. Fortunately, the weather was amazing, giving Captain Quantum and Falcon a chance to survey the ground they had already covered. When the cannon struck though, it was time for them to depart for more southern places.

Mmm Fountain...

After lunch they walked back to the car to play the exorbitant rates for the car park (£9.90!?!?) and saw Gavin from Gavin and Stacey in the street. The drive was a long one, but with some food available from Asda, they continued south, and soon we were in the home country, with accents getting milder as we drove. But sad times ahoy, it rained and rained, and rained some more when we arrived at the campsite.

The Dog cemetery... aww

In a break in the rain they pitched their tent. After a little read they decided to head to the Queens Head pub in the good beer guide. It was a traditional local pub, with exceptionally cheap beer. After a quick drink they headed back to the campsite, and went into a peacefull slumber.

Mmm... Cathedral

The next day it firstly the pair headed to Durham, after a leftover breakfast. Here there was a cathedral and a castle. The cathedral was most spectacular, with large stained glass windows and elaborate carvings. The Castle was not a traditional affair, but more a student accommodation place. They then went for a stroll round the town, and had some lunch. But soon they were on their way again, off to their cousins.

A Brewery, a Distillery, and a Museum…

After an evening in the north inn, a local pub, Captain Quantum and the Falcon had a somewhat disturbed nights sleep (owing to the crowded campsite), got up to eat another bacon sandwhich and then head on their way. They would be travelling up through the Cairngorm hills, to Perth. They set off on their way, and rose steadily into the hills as they headed along the road.

The trains weren't our main interest here...

The first port of call would be Aviemore. Here they were set to visit the Cairngorm brewery, where several award winning beers were brewed. They were welcomed in, and looked round the shop. They then went on a personal tour of the brewery (no-one else was there so early) and learned about the brewing process. It shared several similarities with the whiskey making process, but for a few key differences, such as the 2 additions of hops. We then went back to try the fares, and may have even taken a few with them.

After a little look around the town, our heroes then decided the next port of call would be the Dalwhinnie Distillery. They marched along the road, amidst the barren highlands, and soon enough arrived at the large complex, the highest distillery in Scotland, at ~350m above sea level. Here we had a look around the distillery, and sampled the taste of this malt, which is one of the 6 characteristic malts of Scotland. A fine flavour from a distillery so high. And an accent to match.

Mmm Whiskey...

After this trip they proceeded to head downwards off the hill, and despite a minor hick up in the choice of destination, they reached the centre of Perth quickly. Here they parked and decided to head to the museum of the black watch, the traditional Scottish army regiment that was merged with the Royal Regiment of Scotland earlier in the decade. It was an interesting exhibit, full of the usual military stuff, like swords and paintings. But differently for this one… also kilts.

Mmm tasty beans...

After the museum we headed into town, to a Costa Coffee, without any coffee (we had to have tea instead) Then headed onto the campsite, where Captain Quantum failed to see the wifi sign early enough and get an access code. So posts delayed

A loch too many?

Captain Quantum and the Falcon awoke to the bane fo campers- rain. Nonetheless, their tent was holding strongly, and as they slowly clambered out of their sleeping chamber they were gifted a brief remit in the rain. Elated, they cooked and consumed a hearty bacon sandwhich with ketchup aquired from a weatherspoons earlier in the week. And then it was time to leave this loch and head to annother.

Mmm... Hills

Captain Quantum had intended the first visit of the day to be the Glengoyne distillery, however, after an emergency re-scheduling, they headed north along loch lomond. The road was wiggly, and we saw a grim reminder of the dangers of driving with a traffic collision. But they still headed north, towards Fort William, and as the roads got higher, the number of cars decreased and the scenery became all the more spectacular!

Lots of driving...

After a long but epic drive through the glens alongside mountains, they arrived in fort william, where they were heading to the Ben Nevis inn for lunch. A little off the beaten track this converted barn had 2 fantastic local ales, and a variety of food on offer, so we chose the venison pie (without the pie bit- more of a casserole). Sadly, de to rain we couldn't see ben nevis, but it was a nice place, and they left satisfied before their journey up the great glen.

A useful System

Travelling alongside the lochs was more fun for the pair, apart from the odd lorry slowing the journey as they climbed hills. After a drive along loch ness they decided to stop in a village, where they had Mackies delicious ice cream, and Falcon bought himself a hat, of tradditional scottish origin. Not far to the campsite, they ttravelled there. And the story of that evening is yet to be told....

Its a loch?

(piccies to be uploaded when I get my netbook connected to 'tinternet)

Bladnoch, The Coast and Suprise Motorways

It was an early start for Captain Quantum and the Falcon, as they set forth on their second day of their epic trip. First they would be heading towards a distillery, on the river Bladnoch. But first there was the problem of breakfast. Toast was on the menu, but the grill remained ellusive to the both of them. After a singed hand and hair we decided to give up on hob grilled toast.

The Bladnoch river...

Moving swiftly on roads, the miles shot away untill we arrived at the distillery on some small back road. A fairly small scale distillery, we were soon whisked round on a tour, where we learned about the different stages of the whiskey making process. We sampled the angels breath, saw the oak casks, smelled the grain. We then sampled the tastes of thier whiskey. It was lightly peated whiskey, making for a straight taste.

Lots of lovely barrels

After the curiosity of the distillery, we then headed onwards to Stranraer, where we watched some ferries and had a tradditional lunch of sandwhiches brought from morrison's. Not exactly thrilling, but soon they had to get on their way towards their campsite at Loch Lommond. However, the A77 was far more interesting, a fantastic string of roads that wound their way round the coast with views over the sea.

The Coast!

However, this fun drive couldn't last forever, and soon we were back on the M77 towards glasgow. Moreover, we became we became increasingly confused when we got closer, and further into the town centre, and the traffic became more and more congested untill it was at a standstil. We were then told to leave the motorway in Glasgow town centre. Thankfully our sat-nav eventually re-jigged itself, and we headed towards the loch. But the cures of our sat-knave was not yet over, we were directed along a private road to an empty farm. Fortunately, old fashioned navigation won through.

Scenic evening over loch Lommond

We then relaxed by going for a walk by the loch, opening a can of beer and consuming the worlds first ever SPAM curry. Mmmm tasty....

Castle Where? And the gateway to Scotland.

(PS The names have changed from top gear to account for the fact I was getting confused!)

Beautiful Kendal

After their brief stop on the motorway, the intrepid adventurers headed for Kendal, home of the fabled mint cake. However, the road was long with many a delay. But eventually they arrived in Kendal, where they were to search for the Castle Inn, a pub nearby. Captain Quantum had the wrong post code, so it was up to their galactic sense of direction to find it.

I spy with my little eye...

They headed towards the castle, spied on a hill top, and crossed the river and climbed the hill. The castle was a shadow of its former self, but still a splendid set of ruins in the middle of Kendal. There was no clear sign of a pub, so Captain Quantum and Falcon set of to find it. After much of a search they eventually found the road that the pub was on. Or was meant to. As they walked down castle road they found castle drive, castle park, castle walk, castle range and castle grove. But no castle inn.

Disheartened by this epic fail of a trek, they set off back to the town, and soon found Ye-Olde Greggs to liven their spirits for a late lunch. And then they had to presss on to the Dandy Dimmond, where they were welcomed (despite pitching in the wrong pitch) and quickly pitched their tent. They wanted their visit to Carlisle to be a bit more successful.

And thankfully, it was. They headed to the town centre, where they were headed to the ‘Kings Head’, a pub located near the picturesque cathedral. We were greeted by a warm, welcoming traditional pub with a lively atmosphere and a lovely bitter, which they couldn’t remember the name of, which was most refreshing after a long hard day. Not feeling like spending too much money however, they then headed to a weatherspoons for cheaper food, and then back to the campsite for an evening to relax.

What adventures would their next day hold? Only time could tell.

Tyre pressures and Air Vents

So Captain Quantum and the Falcon have set off at last on their epic journey, despite some last minute checks of their tyres they were on their way.

Before the journey

 The excitement of setting off soon dulled to the humdrum of driving on the motorway, as we were overtaken by fast cars, and overtook the cursed caravans.

The amazing view from Knutsford

 It wasn't long before we arrived at the Knutsford  servicing station. We were amazed by the variety of caffeinated products and myriad air vents on offer for drinking and veiwing of passing road pilots. Soon we will be arriving at our first pub and luncheon of bar snacks

PS... moto internet sucks, its free, but it sucks

...minus 2

Tragically there has been a poor turn of events for The Stag and James Hay, with a mysterious sudden sickness overcoming them. As such, it will be a road test from just Jimmy Clackson and Richie Harness. And we will overcome the boundaries and press on to the success of the trip.

Top of the country...

This week on The life and times of Captain Quantum, we thought... 'What could we do to test drive two cars we have driven for years?'. And we came up with a solution. We would go on a road trip to Scotland, reviewing our cars and the pubs on our way. We would also have to complete a number of challenges on the way, so we can fully establish how effective our transport is. On the way we may suffer fierce storms, fearsome mountains, and ferocious farmers. Who can tell? But one thing is for certain, it might be quite entertaining.

Surprisingly Similar?  

Our first stop will be Carlisle, via Kendal, tune in later this week to learn more about the exciting escapades we get up to as Jimmy Clackson, Richie Harness, James Hay and The Stag (assuming we get internet access in a Pub/McDonald).

Oh and by the way, we will be driving a ford KA and a BWM 5 series estate. An interesting mix to say the least...

The Vector King

It was a merry day, that Monday morning, and Captain Quantum awoke to a new day. He and the Monk were merrily in the kingdom of Schuster, with all their physicsy friends. All was well in the kingdom, with the wise words of Dr. Xian working their way across the room. But soon Captain Quantum and The Monk tired of the lectures of the good doctor, and headed to the forbidden theatre of Mosely.

A suprising likeness? But scars are cool.

It was here they heard a terrible story. The advisor to the good Dr Xian, Dr. Leahy was not happy with his measly assistant position. It was that day that he announced his evil routine to his minions, his lowly vector spaces group. It was only a matter of time before he overthrew the fair rule of the Schuster building.

The Monk, and Captain Quantum fled the Schuster building after hearing this, and headed off to tell the tale to Miss Gallagher, Miss Descartes, and The Nun. The tale only favoured one particular arena for its telling. The Royal exchange theatre, where the story of his ensuring tyranny was told. It was a dark story of evil and corruption, very 1984-esque some might say. As epic as the tale was, they couldn’t tell the good Dr, as otherwise he would discover that they had been in the FORBIDDEN theatre.

A 'Pit of Sin'

That Wednesday the plans rolled into action. As Captain Quantum attended his lecture the trap was sprung, and stuck in the grasp of the exercise sheets Dr Xian was forced to give up his freedom to save the students. But, horrified by this sacrifice, Captain Quantum and The Monk were forced to go into exile. After a great deal of walking, and a strange dream in which he kept on envisaging himself as a woman in a rabbit hole, fighting himself against hundreds of little red men, in a strange animated style.

He awoke the next day to the face of Catwoman and Batman. It was her Birthday. And as such we had to celebrate, and what better way than with a song?

This is not intended as a representation of Catwoman and Batman

The Fourier Transform! An integral phrase

The Fourier Transform! Ain't no passive maze

It means all wavelengths for the whole of your wave

It's our problem-free philosophy

The Fourier Transform!

The Fourier Transform?

Yeah. It's our motto!

What's a motto?

Nothing. What's a-motto with you?

That small mapping will solve all your problems

That's right. Take Pumbaa here

Why, when he was a young mathmo...

When I was a young mathmo

Very nice

Thanks

He found his functions lacked an elegance

He couldn’t solve any problems with relevance

I'm a thorough soul though I seem all a-rush 

And it hurt so that I used to so often blush

And oh, the position           He couldn’t change

Thought of changin' my frame   What's in a frame?

And I got downhearted          How did ya feel?

Everytime that I...

Hey! Pumbaa! Not in front of students!

Oh. Sorry

The Fourier Transform! An integral phrase

The Fourier Transform! Ain't no passive maze

It means all wavelengths for the whole of your wave

It's our problem-free philosophy

The Fourier Transform!

The Fort Maddox brown was an excellent place to be. But soon enough all the guests had arrived and it was now time to move on to the second part of the jungle.

The Student union was the second place Catwoman and her Party travelled. Ripe with Physicists and Non-Physicists alike. With many photographers aflashing the jungle was live with action, and different drinks being consumed. The revellers were happy, and none more so than Catwoman, who really did love everyone. Some played pool, whilst others merely enjoyed the décor and conversation. Miss Descartes was enjoying some newfound company. But this paradise couldn’t last for ever.

They headed  to The Deaf institute. A place where the drinks were expensive, and the tables few. But some interesting wall decorations. And some interesting, and slightly more drunken people. Here the Tensorator told Captain Quantum of the terrible things that had happened in Schuster under Leahy’s terrible rule. The error bar, now standardised. Busts of Physicists, replaced, and most terrible of all, he had insisted the theoretical students do more labs. But Captain Quantum did not know how to go and face his once adversary. So he and the party travelled to font.

Monkey see, Monkey do

Font was the usual place of drunkenness, with the cocktails running fast and thick, the mood elated. There was even a sofa to lounge on. The conversation was the usual drunken affair, but this time there were more than just physicists present, always a recipie for conversation a little more varied. But there were more pressing matters. The wise Lord Pylon consulted the stars to tell Captain Quantum to return home to Schuster and face his nemesis.

My big rock brings the geologists to the yard, and they're like, we better polish ours

Then that Friday Captain Quantum confronted the feared leahy in the last of labs. And aided by the monk he was victorious. It was close… but after a long fought all day battle he lay defeated and equality returned once more to Schuster, only to go home for Easter shortly after… 

Where did reality go?

Everyday I am bombarded with information. Not including the regular daily lectures, I am bombarded with emails from the university, news from the BBC and all the other notices we are required to heed.  How much do we really take in, and how much do we really need to know?

From 6-9:15 every day the BBC show their award winning Breakfast show. Despite the fact its a loop of about half an hour of news, many people sit down to watch this every morning. We are told the exacting details of every war we are currently engaged in, the most recent world disasters, and how we are all inevitably going to die.  I can appreciate the need to publicize certain events in order to raise public awareness, but it is not the best start to the day. I would enjoy an experiment to see how changing what you watch in the morning changes how you feel at the end of the day. I might make it an effort these next few weeks. Instead of being socially aware, I will try and do something positive every morning in an attempt to lighten my day. It might just make a day that much more relaxing. I'll report my results in the Easter. There might even be graphs...

Excessive emails. We all have them. Anyone who's attempted to contact a lecturer knows the pain that can ensure (Steve Watts). But I can't blame them, every day I blatantly disregard the numerous emails from university on gigs, some course material and almost everything that doesn't immediately grab my attention. Those which need responding get put on hold. I can only guess that this is some kind of self defence mechanism we have to protect us from the array of different information presented to us, we disregard everything that doesn't immediately stick in our head. But this isn't always a good thing, so much important stuff gets filtered out. And sometimes these filters go on overkill and also remove real information in the real world. Like an over zealous anti-virus software. 

Is lecturing a good method anyway?

There is only one way to solve this problem. Well. Apart from using size 36 RED ARIAL for emails, and shouting something at people so they remember it. We need conciseness, an email should merely be the abstract of the full paper. "Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler." A quote by Albert Einstein. For example, the listings of university events should not be emailed round, nobody reads them. Instead the external links should be available, and readily searched. The news should be brief and to the point, with statistics collaborated. And maybe sometimes we email we should try to make ours more concise and clear too. Shame that this principle is not applied by so many at the moment. It would certainly make Coronation street an easier place to live...

Today I learnt all about... urm... the different applications of Hartree theory. Something that has been very useful in finding out stuff. Like chemistry. And that's just one of the amazing facts I learnt today. Not that I can remember it all. My brain has only so much room for stuff. If we want to live in the modern era we need to summarise stuff, not try and remember all of it, or none of it. Summaries are the way forward. Rant over...

The Fall of the Hops

Miss Descartes had been many places. Travelled many roads. But she felt a disturbance in the void… something was wrong, very wrong. She set the course of her Philosimotron for earth, to come to the aid of the call. For there was a great danger brewing. Over the past week there had been talk of bras and kets, and something was growing, planning in the dark. The Monk watched from UNIT control room. Their detectors were going haywire, spiking in the 30eV range, unusual readings. There were no explanations, and not even the mystics of Fundamentals of Solid State Physics could explain why these results were coming up. Miss Descartes was needed to explain them. If only she would arrive soon.

See I can do science me!

In the secret moon base, Captain Quantum had his preparations beginning. His minions, Miss Gallagher, Catwoman, and Essex boy sat round the great table. ‘It is time for us to begin. To discuss the plans for the beer cannon, which with we can rule the earth!’ The beers in the friendship were perfect fuel, and as such were sampled fully. But there is more to building a beer cannon than just 1 pub, so they moved onwards to the Ram and shackle, where more foul plans could be made. And plot they did. They would make their move soon, as to catch the world by surprise. In the ram and shackle they admires the magazine ‘plans’ on the walls, leaving their own markings on the table. Here they had furthered their designs, but soon they needed to work on a different part of the infamous beer cannon, the targeting chamber.

Can has real beer Cannon?

They headed to red rum, where as Essex Boy and Catwoman discussed the finer points of the philosophy of evil, and Captain Quantum and Miss Gallagher tested the finer points of precision aiming on the candles. A long and constant blowing steam was required, and duly noted for the future cannon power. But the drinks were expensive in red rum, and as such this was not the place to develop a masterplan. They travelled on to Wetherspoons, where their plans would be sealed in all finality, with more beer and lubrication of whiskey. But there was one final point yet to discuss. The finer point of tounging, apparently very important in the art of world annihilation, and now it was time, for the plan was ready. And no one could stop them!

This is what I like to tongue. One of the many instruments I enjoy to play

But the earth was not lost yet. Miss Descartes and her trusty companion The Cardinal dropped out of the void in the centre of Manchester. Soon they found their way to the Font of information, a place where they could scout for information on the disturbance. They met with cricket girl, a representative from UNIT who told them of the anomalous signals. While sampling the wide variety of different ‘sensory aids’ on offer they also made another acquisition. Miss Gallagher arrived and gave them the secret location of Captain Quantum’s underground layer. She had been working as an undercover reporter and stumbled across this information. And now it was time to act. Finishing their drinks as quickly as possible (maybe slightly TOO quickly for some!) they left and headed towards Sub-Space, where they would make their move.

Captain Quantum waited inside. The fools were going to attempt to steal his moment of glory, where his mighty beer cannon would rule the world. Mwahahaha!

Miss Descartes and the crew jumped down the stairs and entered the basement. There was a strange, mysterious fog floating through the air. The sound of the 90s subtly filtered through the musky air. They would need to act fast in order to avoid a disaster, and save the world from the beer cannon. So they rapidly contacted the management, and removed all suitable beer power, replacing it with Carlesberg. Whilst bopping away to great 90s hits like the house of pain, they sauntered about, locating Captain Quantum for their final moves.

Carlsberg. Probably the best lager in the world, as long as you define the world by the Carlseberg factory

Captain Quantum stood the bar, and ordered a beer. But he wasn’t expecting the result. Dammed Carlesberg was not adequate fuel for his beer cannon. His plans had been foiled once again. He found the Miss Descartes, but it was too late for him to do anything. He could just stand by and watch whilst in a madness of dancing, all his plans were laid to ruin. So they got in a cab and went home.

Black cabs are capable of altering the time field. Time is always measured to the rate it passes on the cabbies clock. The one universal constant

Back at UNIT headquarters people celebrated in the fashion of all humans, with copious amounts of pancakes, sugar and chocolate. A great deal of discussion was made as to what faces were the best, and in the end everything ended peacefully. But how long would the peace remain?

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Quote of the week

‘Well I have this hat…’

Essex boy on hats

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Word of the week

Minified

As in

‘I saw Marion Birch so I magnified, but then she started talking about Dynamics so I Minified’

The Return of the Win

As the hazardous marshes that were the exams slowly passed behind them, Captain Quantum prepared for the journey ahead of him. Joined by Miss Gallagher and guided by Miss Descartes, they slowly climbed the mountain, as they headed with all due haste towards the pass of Heale Greene, where they would gain entry to the foul land that lay beyond. As they slowly worked their way south they could feel their distance from home. But just as they were nearing the top... Miss Descartes started to run ahead. And before long she was gone, leaving Captain Quantum and Miss Gallagher to their own devices in the foul lair of the Monk. As they quickly drank their wine to keep them going they became separated, lost in the cave. Captain Quantum didn't know where to go, with all the wine around him he was completely lost, and alone. It was at this point that the Monk moved in for the kill, while Miss Descartes watched from afar, waiting for the moment to snatch the one bling...

Miss Gallagher flitted through the caves of wine and cheese, the sound of spottify in the background, hearing other voices approach. The Tensorator, Lord Pylon, Mr Twinnings, Jackson 6, Catwoman and others in the distance. But first she had to find Captain Quantum, for there was great danger approaching... But how foul she did not know. The Monk watched the confused Captain Quantum move between bottles of wine, and slowly moved to intercept him. This one would be a tasty snack... Captain Quantum was lost, and soon enough he was stuck by a bottle of win. In an attempt to break free he vaguely swung out with the cheese knife. But it was to know avail. The Monk swooped from a hiding place armed with lethal black absinthe, and soon Captain Quantum was helpless and asleep. But he was not alone, for at this very moment, Miss Gallagher stumbled upon the scene...

The evil Monk preys on his pray. No one knows why he turned evil. Some say he once his heart was broken. Others say that it was too much cocaine. Who will ever know?

Using a clever combination of grapes as projectiles, and the light of beer, she fought off the Monk, who retreated to his lair where his many friends awaited. She ran to the form, surrounded by wine bottles on the floor, and looked upon Captain Quantum's wretched near dead body... Terrified, she grabbed the one Bling and ran to hide. She watched as the group gathered around him. They talked, poking him with a long straw, and wrapping him up in a sleeping bag. 'He'll sober up soon, The Monk, likes to stun his pray' exclaimed the Tensorator. 'He believes if you eat them while they're alive then you gain all their knowlage. We had better take him back to the tower...' . Damn, thought Miss Gallagher, he wasn't dead after all. She slowly began to follow the group as they dragged Captain Quantu back to the tower in the distance.

Far in the distance... Kagi was preparing for a long journey. With thoughts of his friends, Captain Quantum, Miss Gallagher, and Miss Descartes, he began his journey through the mountains of Rusholme in order to resurrect XXXX, the army of the dead. It was a cold and dark night, and a ghostly chill went down his spine. He drank the first pint, and summoned the mountain to send forth its ghosts. He had his second pint, and called for them to fulfil their oath, and to ensure they didn't spill anyone's drink. A third time he drank, summoning the horde with the sword, and explained the relativity paradox. And a last time he drank! And this time the army came forth, so he headed on for the coming battle. The armies of darkness were marching on the city of his forefathers... the Schuster building.

Tasty ghost raising beer

It was a long dark morning that rose over the Schuster building. As the unwilling faces walked in, they were greeted by grim tidings 'A fell army is on its way!' exclaimed Dr Xian, 'in the form of a very hard thermal and statistical physics paper!'. The drums could be heard in the distance as the group of complex vectors slowly crept towards the stronghold. Rumour had it that the army was in fact lead by the most feared warrior, the great Leahy. It wasn't long before the bras and kets started raining down upon the worn defenders. But it would be a long time before the main attack came. Complex variables smashed into the iron wrought doors. But we held still, not moving an inch. We still had lab report to do, and as such needed to keep on going.

Paddy Leahys Facebook DP. STAND IN FEER!

By Wednesday the siege had gone on longer than anyone had expected, and with the finishing of the lab report, the defenders retreated into the inner keep. The Great Leahy arrived, and smote down the Monk in all his glory. But the battle was not lost. Soon the horsemen of solid state arrived, and drove back the hordes. In a great moment, the warrior Michell smote Leahy. But their initial victory was to no avail. Soon the feared Mumakil of optics had arrived. But then Kagi arrived with his hordes of XXX, and stuffed their lives from the battlefield. The battle was won, a whole week survived. But the war was not. All their hopes lay in Miss Gallagher and Captain Quantum, travelling slowly towards Fallowfield. It was on the day of lab, they marched to the gates of fallowfield in order to provide a distraction to allow them easy passage.

Miss Gallagher slowly worked her way up to the tower of the friendship. There was a great deal of shouting coming from inside, a loud racked from those drinking and fighting within. She entered, and was soon surprised by catwoman, who shrunk away in fear from the pint of beer that she wielded. Miss Gallagher slowly climbed the tower, and heard people talking above. 'Its my shiny JD and coke!' exclaimed the Tensorator, 'Course it is, why would anyone want to buy a £4 JD and coke?' replied The Projectionist. Miss Gallagher stepped up to the mark, and by using the AMAZING power of Oasis, she blasted the two out of the way. She went up to the very top of the tower, and freed Captain Quantum from his bonds. It was going to be a long journey to their final place, the pinnacle of their journey, The Great Central. Little did they realise, Mr Tetley fled with knowledge of their passing.

What the Power of Oasis looks like, when not performed by a proffesional

The journey was long and cold to The Great Central, but they were buoyed on by the last sips of whiskey they had kept. As they eventually finished their whiskey they reached the entrance to the mountain. They entered, and stood upon the precipice, looking down into the fiery pits of abbot ale. But then, Captain Quantum did not do what he should've. instead of casting the bling into the fire, he turned to Miss Gallagher and placed on the one Bling upon himself, and vanished. But in that last moment, Miss Descartes appeared from nowhere and jumped on Captain Quantum, and bit off the one Bling, falling into the fire and destroying it. They had won at last!!!

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Quote of the Week

'Everybody sucks on Tom's long straw'

Captain Quantum regarding straw like goodness