Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral Arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think that reality TV shows are a really good idea.
On a small and insignificant island located on this blue-green world is a population centre which, despite many attempts to improve it, resembles the results of drinking too much. The name of that population centre, according to the local ape-like creatures, is Blackpool. This is not their story.
This is the story of the ape-like creatures that inhabit the population centre named 'Manchester', and especially that of the primitive creatures who call themselves Physicists. Unbeknown to them is that the whole of what they call Physics is a drastic simplification of the far superior entity of Bistromathematics. This may in part explain how confused these primitive ape creatures got when things didn't work.
It was a house. It wasn't going to win any awards for the architecture, and it was a dreary autumn morning.
Captain Quantum awoke.
He looked out his window, and saw that his bike had a flat tyre.
He went to get toast for Breakfast, and courteously nodded towards Ms. Descartes who was carefully boiling a kettle. Flat. As Captain Quantum tucked in to his breakfast quickly, he recapped his schedule... lectures, work, wind orchestra rehearsal, flat tyre, planning scouts. He went and got dressed, and then went to get his bike outside.
He then looked down as he cycled off.
The Monk left the house that morning to the anguished wails of a cat who had just seen its kitten run over. He then went up to Captain Quantum who was bent over his poor mutilated tyre with a slight tear in his eye.
'Who would do such a TERRIBLE act?' murmered Captain Quantum
'It was probably you after you drank that home brew and cycled home last night' retorted The Monk
'Hmm.... true dat' stated Captain Quantum,
'Oh well we better get to lectures, we can't be late, for today we have the Prostetnic Lecturer for Quantum mechanics' today hurried the Monk.
'But my bike...' whimpered Captain Quantum.
'Look, its too late for your bike, and isn't a new inner tube about £8 anyway, we gotta go... now'.
To which Captain Quantum stood up and left with the Monk. Little did Captain Quantum realise, but this was partly due to the Monks powers he had picked up from the standing monks of Fhu When, who with the powers of their minds could will the earth itself into fantastic sculptures. Little did The Monk realise that most of the powers only worked because of the clever set up of magnets, but its amazing what will happen in the universe if someone just believes it...
Quantum mechanics, according to the Comprehensive Wikipedia, "is a branch of physics providing a mathematical description of much of the dual particle-like and wave-like behaviour and interactions of energy and matter''. However, according to the less rigorous, but far more popular 'The Physicists Guide to the Third Year' it is defined in two ways.
- Sadist quantum mechanics - People studying these courses are likely to feel a mixture of -
- Awe... at the slow realization of the complexity but brilliance
- Wonder... at the brilliance of modern theory
- The slow feeling of their brain dribbling out of their ear...
- Suicidal sadist quantum mechanics- people taking these courses instead go through several stages of denial-
- Fear... after the lectures are incomprehensible
- Anger... at the founders of quantum mechanics/lecturer for making the course so hard
- Bargaining... with the lecturer to help you understand
- Depression... that you are going to fail
- Acceptance... that you are going to fail
It also says that you should see the chapter on... 'drunkenness, parties, relaxation, insanity and most of the rest of the book' for advice on how to deal with quantum mechanics in general
It was a close run thing whether Captain Quantum and the Monk would make it to lectures on time... however, they made it on time. When they arrived they were to surprised to find two familiar faces sat at the desks already.
'Hey Catwoman, hey Dr. Gauge, hey Mr Tetley.' said The Monk as they slid into their seats.
'Hey there Monk' casually responded Mr Tetley. 'I hate to break up the quantum mechanics party here, but I think I might have an idea as how to make things much easier for us'.
'Hi, Monk and Captain quantum, Yes we do' added Catwoman. 'All we have to do is get the answers from the exam from the vault in the office of the head of school. We got the idea from Dr. Gauge here'
'Brain the size of a planet and they ask me how they can pass the test. Pffh, what will they ask me to do next? Did you know there is a pain in my nerves down my left side' burbled Dr Gauge. But the others wern't listening.
They were staring at IT. Mighty and huge, sitting up there on the board
'What is that?' asked Mr Tetley.
'I've never seen anything so wonderful' said Captain Quantum
'That's incredible' exclaimed The Monk
It was the equation for time dependant perturbation theory. They stared. In awe. And they could feel the fury building inside of them...
'So how are we going to pull it off?' asked The Monk
The Physicists guide to the third year also has several other sections, even featuring things that aren't quantum mechanics based. Of course some options are only based on the ideas. These do not have the same effects as the aforesaid courses.
Electrodynamics is neither, it being a shiny classical theory. The guide says that 'although in principle the study of electrodynamics is one of the more useful and important areas of physics, this is not generally the case. This is in part due to the subject being notoriously influenced by the infamous lecturer, who has a knack for product placement.'
Little is known about what deal he currently owns with SLAC, but it is suspected that the amounts received go into 6 figures. To the everyday third year physicist this has one clear advantage. So long is spent on the advertisement of SLAC clothing ect. that there are only 3 basic questions on the exam, making the subject easy enough to study.
However, it also debates this may not equate to the pain experienced in some of the lectures...
As Catwoman had disappeared off it was down to the others to plan their act, whilst pretending to listening to the shameless endorsement of SLAC products .
'Now what we need is some sort of way to get into the office' said Mr. Tetley
'Umm we could just knock?' said Captain Quantum
'Yeah great, then he'd know we took them, that's no good.' added The Monk
'Its quite easy really', added Dr. Gauge. 'All you need to do is reverse the polarity of the neutron flow and ensure only quantum information is passed through the door. That way he'll never know. Does anyone have any salve for my left side?'
'Hmm that's quite a nice idea there.' responded Mr Tetley
They lapsed into silence as again the lecturer pointed out the OBVIOUS flaws in circular colliders. Its a shame that none of the particle physicists never really asked the particles what they wanted. They studied them but little did they realise that particles havea mind of their own. Which means the sneaky little bastards can go through 2 holes at once when you're not looking. Sneaky bastards they are known by as to the rest of the universe...
'Ok so we have an idea' said The Monk 'Now all we need is a graphene laser to create the effects we need'
'Hmm I think I saw one of those in the other building' said Mr Tetley 'We can get it after the next lecture, and then we can perform the dirty deed'
'Wait a minute, here chaps' questioned Quantum, 'don't you think this is all rather wrong? Shouldn't we just have a cup of tea instead?'
To which the instant response from the others was a look so intense that it would make Eccentrica Gollumbitz, triple breasted whore of eroticon six, slide into a hole.
The Guide has the following to say on Graphene;
"Graphene is THIN. I mean SERIOUSLY now. Imagine the thinnest thing ever, then immagine something thinner than that... I mean you thought a piece of paper was amazing, but its absolute peanuts compared with Graphene."
It then goes on to list several of these properties. It also says something about the study of Bose and Fermi gasses.
"Bose and Fermi gasses are nice. They are the result if you take only 2 ideas from quantum mechanics, and then add them to what we already know and love. And the result fixes almost all of our problems as if by magic. This is a nice area of study."
Critics have always said that the Guide favours certain areas of physics. Editors of the guide regard the critics who say this to be idiots and fools. They don't live in a gold fortress on their own personal moon.
As the group rejoined with Catwoman, they headed towards the Office of the head of school. After a quick explanation of the master plan to her they approached the door, and lined up their amazing graphene laser.
'Wow this door is made of mahogany' exclaimed Captain Quantum, 'its a shame we'll be knocking it down'
'Oh shut up.' responded The Monk. 'We're going to need to clear some space in this corridor in order to fire'. They cleared up a bit more room, and got the gun ready for firing....
'What did you do that for?' yelled Mr Tetley 'Now someone will come! We have to transfer the information quickly'. They got inside, again using the laser against the safe in order to transfer the information onto a small netbook that they happened to have with them. The alarm bells were ringing in the distance, and the could hear the footfalls of patrols of the XTREME campus security converging on the position.
'Dr Gauge, you go and distract them whilst we leg it!' said Mr. Tetley as everyone else sped down the corridor.
'Typical,' thought Dr. Gauge 'Brain the size of a planet and they ask me to sacrifice myself to security so that they can make their escape. Better get to it though'
The XTREME security stopped in front of Dr. Gauge. 'What are you doing there Mr. Explain yourself!'
'They've left me here to stop you, with nothing but my measly body. And I even have a pain in the nerves down my left side! I don't suppose you have any cream?' Droned Dr. Gauge at the security
'My God. That makes me ANGRY. Worthless people! I think just for that I might blast out this wall... and that wall... and this floor...'
There was an unappealing splat as the security guy hit the floor
'How depressing' thought Dr. Gauge.
It was at this point that far away, everyone else opened the netbook to find the answers. They blinked. They blinked again. The answer was... 42, nothing more, nothing less. No working. It must be obvious.
The guide also has statements on two other major topics of large current interest
"Any module proceeded by the prefix intro should be treated with caution. Because they are unable to teach anything actually meaningful, they instead teach you a million and one random facts. These are most easily generated from a random fact machine. What you need to do create your own random fact generator is find yourself any know it all. This is very easy for physicists. By supplying them with a good power source (3 course meal) and attaching a microphone it is possible to extract any number of unverifiable facts (c.f. WIKIPEDIA). However, these modules often make up for their sometimes almost completely random content with interesting lecturers
A famous story is told of one lecturer, who upon deciding that his students were bored, proceeded to enlightened as to the digestive movements of penguins. One student then proceeded to prove a general theory of projectile excretion, that was never truly appreciated by his peers"
Then the exams came, prepared with their lowly answer of 42
EPILOGUE
After exams the group re united,
The devastation was immense,
who knew how they had done,
but they accepted it,
and it was time to PARTAY.
